It’s funny because people call me a free spirit, probably due to the fact that I seemingly uproot myself and fly off somewhere new and far flung on a whim (not true btw). However if there’s a certain level of uptighness that precludes someone from being allowed to be called a free spirit, I exceed it by a considerable margin.
I’ve been in Tokyo for five days. I’ve had a migraine for the past 6 days. My first night I kept asking myself: “Just what exactly am I doing here??” Yes, I’m on a ‘working holiday’ but why am I here? On the second night that question morphed slightly into “What do I want to get out of my stay here?” Of course I want to ‘experience Japan’, but that’s kinda vague. Do I want to spend the time and effort studying the language. Do I want to build the foundations of a life out here; commuting, working, earning? Do I want to effectively be on a year long vacation; doing only fun things and meeting new, interesting people?
The answer at the moment seems to be that I can’t make up my mind, or I greedily want a combination of all three. It was actually only at 1:30am on day four when it dawned on me what my problem was. I really want to love Japan and really want for Japan to love me back. I want to do all the stuff one is supposed to and I want to make sure I get it right; I want my trip to be perfect. Ha! As a result there’s been a chaos party in my head.
Also, being that I’m no longer twenty three some of the stuff I’d envisaged has been ditched because they, logistically, require a level of discomfort that I just ain’t got time for anymore (hitchhiking with a 17kg backpack anyone? I didn’t think so)
Truth be told, all I really want deep down is just to be myself out here. I don’t want to feel guilty for being a homebody (wherever home ends up being). I don’t want to stress about not getting a job yet. I don’t want to feel bad about letting go of my plans to go to the Nakadaki art village.
It’s coming up to the start of day six and I’ve only just made peace with that. The headache has started to subside. The trip to the sentō this evening may have also helped (amazeballs). So I’m just gonna do me, taking each decision as it comes and try really hard not to worry about the unknown and, most importantly, to love Japan without any attachments.